Florals & Musings

Throughout my life, I never gave myself permission to dream. I mean really dream. Sure, I’d say things like “it would be awesome to be a writer”, but I never gave myself permission to take it from a dream to reality. Instead, I planned on living a pretty normal life—I’d go to college, start an office job, get married and have a kid or two. 

Then those plans all came to fruition, minus the children for now. I graduated from college, started a good job, got married, bought a house and traveled a bit. I was happy because I had achieved the life I had envisioned for myself and I assumed that I was going to be content for the rest of my life. 

Then the what ifs started creeping into my thoughts. What if I gave writing a real chance? What if I thought of myself as a writer instead of someone who likes to write? What if I jumped headfirst into my dreams? 

Only one small issue, I have a history with impostor syndrome. I always downplayed my abilities instead of celebrating them. For example, if I received an A in a class I would assume the class was easy. If a story or poem of mine was accepted for publication, I’d assume it didn’t have much competition. Since I never had a lot of confidence in my abilities, I was always afraid to put myself out there creatively because I assumed people wouldn’t care. 

But then I had an important realization. I realized that I need to care first. Before I worry about how anyone will receive any creative endeavor, I need to care about it first. Because if I don’t care, why would anyone else? 

I remember feeling sick to my stomach the first time I posted a poem on my Instagram. I almost deleted it 3 times before I stopped and thought—well I like it. So, I left the poem up. Then I wrote another and another and another. I followed the strategy of, if I liked it, I posted it. As time went on, I found more and more people also liking my poetry.

I can’t say that I don’t have impostor syndrome anymore, after all the voice in your head can be very persuasive, but I’ve gotten it to a manageable level. Something that helped me get over my fear is to acknowledge it  (what if no one reads my blogs?) and then think of why I’m creating the piece (I’ll enjoy writing them and I’ll read them). 

I’ve also found that having creative hobbies that are strictly for me helps. In my spare time, I’ve been taking a weekly beginner ballet class and I like to paint when the mood strikes me. I’m honestly not great at either of these activities but I also don’t have to be. I’m not doing them for anyone else but myself and it was freeing to not care about my skill level. Allowing myself to be new at something, also allowed me to take risks and experiment with my writing. After all, everything we do is a learning experience. 

Finally, I gave myself permission to put my dreams into clear words and pursue them with reckless abandon. I don’t have to achieve them today, but I can work the dreams into my 1, 5, and 10 year plans. Part of my 5 year plan is to apply for a writing workshop for aspiring television writers that I found online. Is it competitive? Of course. Will I have to work for it? Of course. Do I believe I can succeed if I put the work in? Yes. 

There was something powerful and concrete about putting my dream of being a television writer into words and owning it. Saying, this is what I want to do and this is how I plan to do it. It’s scary to put your dreams out there for everyone to see, because if they don’t come to fruition, that’s also out there. But it’s through vocalizing our goals that we can truly take ownership of them and make them real. 

And for now, I’ll keep putting myself out there. I’ll keep writing poetry. I’ll keep making reels because they make me happy. I’ll blog on topics that are close to my heart. I’ll write a book because the story just won’t leave me alone. Because even though everything won’t be for everyone, the ones that show up are worth it all. 

If you’re looking for support and inspiration as you pursue your goals, check out my friend Caliph Assagai on his Instagram and his fabulous 3 Steps to Get Clarity on Your Life’s Direction guide.